Gifts

I was discussing gifts with my husband earlier on, and he was telling me when he was a child his grandmother would give them clothing for Christmas every year. Worst of all it was the same clothing every time. A knitted jumper always the same color (gray), a pair of socks and a pair of jocks. Not just any jocks, but grandpa’s jocks. Every year for as long as he could remember this was what he received.

That really got me thinking. Actually it really bugged me. It wasn’t just the thought of gray jumpers and grandpa’s jocks either! The thing that really annoyed me is the fact that children expect, and deserve something useful to them. Although clothing is useful when you are an adult, and a hand knitted jumper, made from the heart is a treasured possession from your grandmother. Because when you are an adult you see things through a different light. Gifts such as these are not considered to be useful when you are under 10.

I now know why my husband always insists on getting our children toys and things that they can play with. If you consider for a moment that children are not living in the same world as us- yet, for a few fleeting years they have been blessed with an amazing gift, the gift of freedom and imagination. They have one brief encounter of the way life was really intended to be. No stress, no bills to pay and no one else they must consider before themselves. Never again will they have the chance to think and experience life on this level.

It is so fleeting that if we as adults don’t help them enjoy it to the fullest it will damage their personality and tarnish their views on life as they grow. I believe in letting children be just that, children, for as long as they can be. Consider the world that we live in, that is soon to be a child’s reality. These are a very sad state of affairs, and why not postpone it for as long as we can.

Far too many parents impress on their children that they should “grow up” or ‘be’ more mature. Through the generations this is becoming a trend. Look at photo’s of when your parents were children, at two years old your parents were still considered babies, they acted and were dressed appropriately. They were still considered babies until they went to school. An adult was considered to be 21 years of age, not 18.

It is beyond me why we are in such a hurry to ‘grow’ our children and send them off into the adult world, before they have ever had the chance to be children. Giving gifts are no exception to this rule. When choosing a gift for a child, get them something they can play with, something that will entertain them, clothes aren’t appropriate gifts when you are a child, if you must give a child clothing, make sure that something entertaining is added to the gift.

Being pregnant and having a baby, it’s easy to get caught up in the annoying habits of mothers and mothers-in-law. They always offer unsolicited advice, and their reminiscing feels more like not-so-subtle hints as to how to parent properly. They call all day everyday and worry about every little thing. It’s enough to drive a new mom mad!

Mad, that is, until the new mother finds time to sit back, relax, watch, listen and learn.

Grandmothers are amazing. It doesn’t matter if it’s mom or mom-in-law. When a new mother finally retracts her claws and takes a breath, all she will see are the two most loving and caring people she could ever hope to have in her child’s life.

–

It was only a few weeks ago when I had this epiphany. I was as guilty as any other new mother at being a “swooper.” Anytime my daughter cried in Grandmom’s arms, I swooped in and took her up in mine. Any time Grandma wanted to lay her down to occupy herself, I swooped in and sat her on my own lap. I knew perfectly well what I was doing, and I knew it was not in accord with what the Mothers were trying to do. But, it was my baby and my way - until I got tired enough to back down.

My parents came to visit last weekend, and no sooner were they in the door than Grandmom had grandbaby in hand. It was a long week of parenting, cooking and cleaning for me, so I was thankful for the reprieve. When baby pooped, I let Grandmom climb the stairs and clean her up. When baby cried, it was Grandmom who wiped the tears. I didn’t even feed my daughter that afternoon. I had a bottle on hand and warmed it for Grandmom. I was in heaven.

Not only did I get a chance to breath and hug my husband every other minute, I had the pleasure of watching my mom enjoy herself. She was getting to do exactly what she had dreamed of doing, probably since the moment we announced our pregnancy. In being a “swooper,” I knew I was being irrational, but I didn’t realize I was robbing my mom of the joys of grandparenting. I spent the rest of the weekend playing second fiddle to Grandmom and loving every second of it. I haven’t had the chance to make up to my mother-in-law for my swooping errors, but her time is coming. She will be in town next week, and I can’t wait. I can’t wait for the chance to watch her in action for a whole week. A whole week! I won’t know what to do with myself! I just may have to do a little shopping and buy a couple of ‘thank you’ presents… for the grandmothers.

It was simple because it was only a pair of dice. She gave them to me the last night we saw each other. She smiled her full wattage smile, the one that powered and lit up most of the city. She held the dice in the palm of one small hand, her long fingers pointing straight out at me.

Go ahead, she said, roll them.

I held out one hand and she dropped the dice into my palm and watched as I dropped them on to the polished top of the bar.

The dice tumbled and rolled, clattered on the surface, bounced off of each other and rolled to a stop, showing a pair of sixes.

Nice, I said, but she shook her hand, and scooped up the dice and held them out to me a second time. She smiled again, this time, brighter than before and I tried to read the playfulness in her eyes but she was being enigmatic, like a sprite dancing in a magic forest, and I held my hand out, and as before, she dropped the dice into my palm. I looked at the dice. They were red with white grooves marking the numbers and I looked back at her but she only smiled and radiated the warmth I’d come to know over the past three months.

Go ahead, she said, roll them again.

I shook them in my closed hand without taking my eyes from hers and she did not look away until I shot the dice on to the bar top and we both watched them bounce and crash and they came to a stop, showing a again, a pair of sixes.

Well, I said, these are lucky, or maybe you’re lucky and it’s rubbed off on me.

She laughed and leaned over the bar, propping her lovely face in one hand, her long, chestnut brown hair, draped like a theater curtain down across her neck and her shoulders disappearing towards the middle of her back.

Do it again, she said, and then, turning suddenly, she darted away like a horse bolting, and I glanced as she went to talk to another customer.

For three months we’d known each other and had known from the beginning I was leaving. We played dice all the time - roll them and wait while the other person guesses the number - guess correctly, you get to ask a question; guess incorrectly, you have to answer a question.

She came back and I smiled and she watched as I rolled the dice and watched as once again they came to a stop, showing a pair of sixes.

Okay, I said, scooping the dice up in my hands, what’s the story?

She laughed, and flung her hair back, leaned over the bar, and came close to me.

Cheater’s dice, she said, loaded with a small weight. They’ll always bring you an answer. So, they’re yours, but only if you promise me something.

The smile went down low, and the whole bar seemed to dim, and I knew she was serious. Sure, I said, what?

Never use them to hurt anyone, and only use them the next time we see each other.

She reached out and cupped my hands in hers and squeezed and said: Promise.

I promised her that and I kept them and waited and knew, they were the most honest gift I’d ever received from anyone.

Miles and miles of land separate my mother and me. The long-distance phone calls and emails cannot compare to being able to see her whenever I please. So when it comes time to ship off a gift, I want her to feel as if I am standing in front of her, delivering it myself.

As the month of June neared, I prepared for one of my most intense gift-giving times of the year. Besides Father’s Day, the month brought both of my parent’s birthdays, as well as their anniversary. By the middle of the month, I would have satisfied 3 out of 4 big dates on the calendar, leaving my mother’s birthday to focus on. This year, I tried to think of gifts she would not only use, but also find comfort, delight and relaxation. She recently quit smoking and I wanted to keep her on track and make sure she was surrounded by welcomed distractions.

My mother always starts her day with a cup of coffee and by night, falls asleep beside another. I went to the gourmet food section of one of my favorite stores and began to browse the coffee aisle. There were many tempting flavors to choose from, including Raspberry to Chocolate Mint, as I relentlessly read all of the bags. In the back of the bunch, one particular selection rewarded me for my uncompromising focus.

If I’ve said it once, I’ll say it again- sometimes the perfect gift finds me even when I least expect it. The day after Mother’s Day, my mother and I were having a conversation about her visit with my grandmother. She brought over her usual gift, accompanied by coffee and biscuits. By the end of her visit, she said she left with a delicious taste upon her lips, as they had sipped several shots of Kahlua. I know the doctor mentioned that alcohol may provide comfort for my grandmother’s arthritis, but for me, it was hard to swallow that my Nana and mother were sitting in her living room, consuming alcoholic beverages on Mother’s Day. I’ve never seen either one of them drink in my life.

So when I pulled the Kahlua-flavored coffee from behind all of the other interesting flavors, I felt I had struck gold. It was the last and only bag of its kind. I wasn’t looking for that particular flavor; didn’t even know it existed, but the warmth and happiness that overcame me at that moment was overwhelming. I couldn’t wait until she opened her gift.

On her birthday, I called early because she always waits for me before opening gifts. I could hear the tear of the box and crinkling of the wrapping paper. She was quite pleased with what she found inside. The gift brought her back to the Mother’s Day Kahlua, which then turned into a flood of teenage and college memories I had no idea existed. Although, I was miles and miles away, the coffee talk made me feel much closer, providing me with much-needed satisfaction and comfort.

Parents in many foreign countries sleep with their babies routinely, and not always because of a lack of space. In Asia and Central America, for example, parents’ concepts of nurturing make it incomprehensible to them that anyone would expect a child to sleep alone in a bed, not to mention in a room alone, This practice has been frowned upon, to put it lightly, in this country since at least the twentieth century, but it seems to become more common in recent years. One reason may be the ever increasing interest in breastfeeding. The simplest and most convenient way to nurse a baby is to lie comfortably in bed with her and fall asleep together when the feeding is over. Today even medical people who have disapproved most adamantly of parents and babies sleeping together have begun to reevaluate their convictions and some have swung around completely.

One of the main worries parents have had about sleeping with infants is that they will roll over and smother or injure their babies. That’s not all likely. First, you will have a mind set that assures your care about avoiding this, however deep your sleep. And second, your baby will surely wake up and begin to cry if you hurt her.

Some of the worries of pediatricians and psychotherapists have been that a child may become “addicted” to the sleeping with the parents, may be frightened by seeing the parents in the act of sexual intercourse, or may be overstimulated by the intimate body contact with adults. Parents who advocate the family bed say that children almost always want their own beds by the preschool years, if not before, and that they themselves have been able to move the children out easily whenever they’ve wanted to give up the practice. They ensure their sexual privacy by making love during the baby’s deepest sleep periods or by simply moving to another place in the house. And they insist that the bodily closeness and touching that sleeping together offers brings a feeling of security and comfort to a child, not harm. In addition, they say that both parents and infants sleep better in the same bed. The baby does not always fully awaken if she is not hungry, and may go back to sleep easily. And the parents can stay comfortably in bed and at rest, if not asleep, while the baby is awake.

The family bed question is obviously a very personal one that parents must settle for themselves. If they disagree about the wisdom of sleeping with their children, or if either is deprived of needed sleep because the child is present, they would be foolish to consider adopting the family bed. Some parents who are only lukewarm about having an infant sleep with them work out compromises of some sort. They may take the baby into their bed for only the first few difficult weeks, or they may carry the baby back to the crib when she has fallen asleep. Later, they may limit access to their bed to the kids on weekend mornings or to a sick or frightened child in the middle of the night.

Once your labor is well established, it is less likely that drugs can slow it for more than a short time. More effective pain relieving drugs may then be used. Also called analgesics [pain relieving drugs], they are given by injection under the skin, into the muscle, or into an intravenous line. Demerol [meperidine] is the narcotic analgesic most widely used in obstetrics. Its effects are similar to those of morphine and may be associated with a speeding up of labor in some circumstances. If anxiety, tension, and pain are great enough to actually slow labor, a narcotic or tranquilizer may reduce anxiety and allow labor to speed up again. These drugs reduce your pain, though you are still aware of the peaks of your contractions. They also help you sleep or relax between contractions. You may feel nauseated shortly after receiving them, and you may not like the dizzy, confused feeling. The pain relief lasts an hour or so, after which another dose may be given. The drug does accumulate in the baby’s body, however, and larger total doses may have more noticeable effects on your baby’s behavior. If your doctor sees that you will give birth when the narcotic effects on your baby will be at their greatest, she may give you [or your baby after birth] a drug called a narcotic antagonist, to reverse the effects of the narcotic.

Regional Anesthesia

Analgesia means relief of pain; anesthesia means loss of sensation. There are ways of injecting drugs in particular areas of the body to cause a loss of all sensation [numbness], in a limited area. Local anesthetic agents [like Novocain [procaine], used by your dentist] are used in this way. Agents like lidocaine and marcaine [bupivacaine] are used in obstetrics.

Depending on where they are injected, they cause varying amounts of pain relief. For example, a spinal or saddle block creates a rather large area of numbness. An injection of anesthetic is made in the lower part of the back, and the medicine enters the spinal fluid. The anesthetic is heavy and stays low in the spine. You might become numb from your ribs down to your toes [spinal block] or from your buttocks and lower part of the abdomen down your inner thighs [saddle block].the amount of numbness is determined by how low the injection is given and how low the drug remains in the body. You can have a “spinal headache” after a spinal anesthetic; this is very painful, can last for days, and usually requires that you lay down most of the time.

Epidural and caudal blocks differ from spinal blocks, since they are given with the same anesthetic agents but in slightly different places. The main difference is they are not given into the spinal fluid. The medicine is placed low in the back, just outside the canal where the spinal fluid is [therefore you will not get a spinal headache]. Although trickier to give than a spinal block, anesthesiologists prefer them for labor because they are not as likely to stop labor and the actual area of anesthesia can be better controlled [especially with the epidural].

The main difference between the caudal and the epidural is where they are given; the caudal is given at the top of the separation of your buttocks; the epidural, a few inches higher. As a result, the area of numbness with the epidural tends not to extend as far down into the birth canal and legs as with the caudal. You can push better and move your legs better with an epidural than a caudal.

Both spinals and epidurals are also used for cesarean births, allowing the mother to remain awake and alert to greet her baby.

Pain relief with these forms of anesthetic can be excellent; in fact, many women report total relief of pain. This welcome relief comes with no effects on your mental capacity. You do not become groggy or sleepy.

Because spinals can stop labor at a critical time, they tend to be used for very late labor and for cesarean births.

Forceps-assisted deliveries tend to be more common after regional anesthesia because women cannot push as well when anesthetized. Anesthesia can be “light or heavy”; women can push better [and feel more] if the anesthesia is light.

Another drawback to regional anesthesia is the possibility of a sudden drop in blood pressure soon after receiving the anesthetic. This sudden drop can temporarily reduce the oxygen available to the baby. Since this side effect is well known, measures are taken to prevent it [a large amount of intravenous fluid is given to rapidly increase blood volume which decreases the chance of low blood pressure] identify it as soon as it happens [blood pressure is checked constantly while the anesthetic takes effect] and treat it, if necessary with drugs to raise blood pressure.

Local Anesthesia

Three types of local anesthesia may be used for childbirth; the paracervical block, the pudendal block, and local infiltration of the perineum.

The paracervical block is given in the late first stage. Tow injections of local anesthetic drugs are made into the cervix and bring pain relief during contractions. Although this form of anesthesia rarely causes problems for the mother, it frequently causes sudden drops in fetal heart rate and noticeable effects on the baby’s muscle tone and reactivity after birth.

Although the amount of pain relief provided by a paracervical block is far less than with the regional blocks, a significant greater amount of anesthetic agent is used-thus, there are many more serious side effects. For this reason this form of block has been discontinued in many areas of the country.

The pudendal block causes anesthesia in the birth canal and is given in the second stage. Local anesthetic agents are injected into the vaginal wall. Again a larger amount of medication is used than for an epidural, but the incidence of drops in fetal heart rate appears not as serious as with the paracervical block. It can be used for forceps delivery or pain in the second stage. Most doctors give a pudendal block before an episiotomy is performed.

Local infiltration of the perineum consists of several injections to numb the area of skin and muscle between the vagina and the anus. It is most commonly used after natural childbirth if stitches are needed. It can also be given in the second stage after an episiotomy is performed. Side effects of a local block appear to be slight.

General Anesthesia

General anesthesia means a loss of consciousness along with pain relief. In other words, a woman is put to sleep and wakes up after the anesthetic has worn off. Nowadays, general anesthesia is uncommonly used-and is generally used for emergency situations.

General anesthetics are usually gases, which are inhaled. They cause a total loss of awareness. Nitrous oxide, trilene [trichloroethylene], and penthrane [methoxyflurane] are examples of such inhalation agents. Sometimes these are used along with sedatives that cause drowsiness. The sedatives might be injected into your vein.

One reason general anesthetics are used less often today is that they have profound side effects. The mother’s breathing may slow down or stop; her blood pressure could drop and cause her heart rate to change. General anesthetics may also stop contractions of the uterus and cause excessive bleeding after birth. The baby is also affected. Babies often have breathing difficulties, sucking difficulties, and poor muscle tone after general anesthesia have been used.

It’s hard to think about writing a free-flowing letter when my life seems so programmed. Don’t misunderstand. It’s a good life, full of kids, work, husband, endless house renovations, dogs, cat, after-school activities, friends when they can fit in, and a whole lot of family with a whole lot of issues.

So I write this on a Wednesday eve, the oldest finally in bed and asleep after many minutes of wailing because she felt I’d yelled at her. “That’s how I feel,” she said when I commented that I had not yelled. How can you argue with someone’s feelings? The husband has retired to the bedroom to watch the baseball division playoffs, wondering but not counting on a little “nookie nookie” when I come to bed. That’s a constant and amusing subject-my sex drive. “Is it that you’re not interested?” my husband asks. “Is there anything that really turns you on,” he queries on a fairly regular basis?

It’s not that difficult to figure out why my sex drive isn’t at its height on a usual weeknight. It’s up at 6: 10 A.M.-press the snooze button two times for an additional ten minutes before going into overdrive for the next sixteen hours. Then it’s into the shower-let the hot, hot water run on my back, which is in constant ache mode since exercise was the first thing to hit the road when work and kids and everything else took over. Soon my husband and I share our constitutional morning bathroom dialogue-what’s on your agenda, can you pick up the kids, any meetings tonight? Then it’s what do I wear…

Child no. 1 arrives with a hole in his pajamas Superman pajamas-which he’s decided to wear to preschool today. Sorry, honey, I say, but the hole is right where your penis is and it really wouldn’t be good for you to go to school like that. “I’m gonna wear them anyway,” he replies. Before the final chapter of this story, there are plenty of negotiations. Child no. 2 has arisen. She’s in the other bathroom and says “go away” when I ask if she needs any help. Fine with me, I’m gone.

Found an outfit, don’t feel like making the bed, and just want to see if my husband will do more than simply pull up the sheets. Sheets pulled up-no complaints here. Not a good hair day. Oh, well. Breakfast, make lunches, and out the door by 7 :30. One child to preschool, one to before-school care, and parents off to work. Work, work, work. Yes, we like it. It’s exhilarating, gives us mental stimulation, anxiety, satisfaction, and money.

At 5:00 P.M., pick up Child no. 1; 5:20 P.M., pick up Child no. 2; 5:45 P.M., home. Backyard dug up–drainage problem. Walk around the mud and hope the yard is seeded before winter. The dogs are ecstatic to see me and the kids. Jump on the kids and make them yell and cry. Into the house, change my clothes so the silk blouse can make it through one more workday before it hits the dry cleaner, and the kids settle in for a video. Dinner-what tonight? The homemade bean and beef soup was a hit for my hubby, a bomb for the kids. How about canned soup? Yes, canned soup it is. At 7:10, upstairs and bath time. The younger one wants to be dirty for the rest of his lifedirty hair, long fingernails and toenails, the works. A minor struggle, but then into the tub. The older one is in heaven, hot water, ultimate relaxation and feeling good for a six-year-old. Bedtime around the corner after teeth brushing and pee time. Books for both kids and then…

It’s my time. Yes, there are the dishes, the bills, the phone calls I should make to my grandmother, mother, father, brother in Detroit, mother-in-law who’s making an effort to keep the barbs off the phone lines, and then a friend. God, how I love to go out with a friend and have some beers, or even better, champagne and cigarettes, and get one of those nice glows.

Full is my life. And it’s my choice. I’m not sure I thought the treadmill would be this fast, though there are days when the pace slows a bit. I know I’m not a stay-at-home mom. I’d be a loony tune. I love my managerial position, my hands in a pot that makes a difference in many people’s lives. Someday I’ll make the time to lie in the sun, plant a small garden and weed it often enough to differentiate the plants from the weeds, ride my bike to nowhere with my husband, and find a rolling hill to lie on and just stare at the clouds rolling by.

Would I trade my life for another? No. Do I check myself at least once a week to make sure the stress level remains manageable? Yes. And so, as I feel like Superwoman and enjoy the comments others make acknowledging that I juggle a lot, I do have that inner peace of happiness.

Women have more freedom today to plan when to have a family than ever before. Contraception and legal termination of pregnancy are freely available. At least in theory, most women don’t have to have children until they are ready.

Many women today expect to find fulfillment not only as a wife and mother but also through a career. The number of women in full-time employment continues to increase, and many women can choose to have babies knowing their job will be waiting for them on their return. More and more women are choosing to postpone having their first child until a baby fits in with their lives, marriages and careers.

Having a Baby at This Time

Most of us believe having a baby is the result of a rational decision, but interviews with older mothers’ show this is actually far from the truth. Careless use of contraception, a decision made suddenly because a sister or best friend has a baby, boredom or lack of satisfaction with a job, doubts about one’s fertility and fear that “time is running out” and the choice may be taken away are more common answers to the question, “What made you decide to have a baby?” than “We felt it was the right time.” Perhaps such reasons are more common among late mothers; perhaps more women who “choose” to have their families would decide to have two children, two or three years apart, in their late 20s or early 30s.

Still, most women probably do not “plan” their families in the usual sense. Many women are ambivalent about whether or when to have a child; a wanted pregnancy can finish as a termination, especially when a partner rejects the idea of a baby or the woman’s circumstances change. Just as often, an unwelcome pregnancy can become a much-loved child. All contraceptive methods have a failure rate, especially when used for ten years or more. Women’s doubts about their fertility, especially as they grow older, may lead them to “take risks” to see whether they can conceive. Many women find it takes them longer to conceive than they expected (the average is 6 months). Others experience problems with their fertility or have miscarriages.

Little research is available on the reasons women have children late. One study, carried out by Kate Windridge and Judy Berryman at Leicester University in England, looked at 346 women who had babies at the age of 40 or later. One hundred were first-time mothers. They were not representative of the general population-they had responded to advertisements in women’s magazines and periodicals, and were mostly in professional occupations-but the findings are still interesting. Only 5% said they had delayed having their babies for career reasons. Less than half of the babies were planned. Forty percent of the first-time mothers over 40 had sought advice on fertility problems, so infertility may have been responsible at least in part for a delay in becoming a mother.

For some women, the decision is uncomplicated. “I had always thought that my mid-thirties was about the right time to have children,” says Jenny. “It gave us five

years to enjoy being a couple, having adventurous vacations and all that, and also earning enough to get the house the way we wanted it. I was a little worried about my fertility declining, so I didn’t want to leave it later than 35. It took me four months to get pregnant, I took maternity leave, and then I had my second child two years later. I’m still working part-time, and I have a great place for day care. Everything’s worked out really well for us.”

For many women, however, reality doesn’t work out as smoothly as this. Susie had her first baby at 38 and her second at 42. “A friend of mine, a doctor, got married at 34, decided to start a family two years later at the same time as me. She wanted the babies to be born in the spring. Needless to say, she got pregnant immediately, had a boy in April, and two years later, a girl in May. I just can’t stand it! It took me nearly two years to get pregnant at all. Then I had a miscarriage. I had my first child, but then I had two more miscarriages before having my second child four years later. It was very frustrating. I thought I could plan everything, but sometimes you just can’t. There’s so much talk about choice these days. Little do we know! Nature has a way of getting her revenge sometimes.”

Even if women feel they do have a choice, however, making the choice is not always easy. Some women postpone having a baby from year to year, looking forward to a perfect time for bringing a child into the world. “When I have that promotion… when we’ve moved to a bigger house … once we have saved some money…” Postponement can become a way of life. It is easy to put off the childbearing decision year after year-until suddenly there seems to be no time left.

This is what happened to Tina, now age 41. “At first I was enjoying my job so much I didn’t want to take a break to have a baby. I was working as a reporter and there were lots of exciting opportunities for me; I worked late a lot, and I knew if I had a child I wouldn’t be able to concentrate on my job in the same way.

“Then we decided to move to a bigger house, which needed a lot of work. That went on for two years. Just when we felt we were getting caught up with that, I got a job in Madison and we moved again. By now having a child seemed like a major upheaval and I didn’t want to face it. I saw friends of mine becoming nonpeople, talking about nothing but diapers and sleeplessness. I didn’t want the same thing to happen to me.

“Now I’m not sure I’ll ever have a baby. I haven’t used contraception for six months, but nothing’s happened. Maybe it’s too late. But on the other hand, part of me is relieved not to be pregnant. I wouldn’t go rushing to an infertility clinic if nothing happens. But if I do get pregnant, I’ll give it a whirl.”

Melanie also had doubts about having a child, although she decided to go ahead before it was “too late.” “1 made a conscious decision to have a baby, a decision I had put off for many years. I was 38 when we started trying, it took four months to conceive, and I was just 39 when our daughter was born.

“When we got married ten years ago we always thought we’d have kids. Alan wanted them more than I did, but he left the decision to me because he knew I would do the majority of everything and that my life would be most changed. I wasn’t too into it-I didn’t think I’d make a particularly wonderful mother. My own childhood wasn’t happy. I had an older brother who bossed me around, and I didn’t feel I had any support from my parents.

“1 think we realized as I got into my late thirties that it was getting a little late for having a baby. I didn’t suddenly feel I wanted a baby, but I thought if I left it any later I’d regret it. I also thought of Alan-having a baby is a natural, normal thing to do. I didn’t want to deprive him of that. People kept telling me having a baby was just the greatest thing. I thought I’d probably feel that way too if I did it. After all, we’re programmed that way.”

Proteins contain the basic building blocks that make up your body. These building blocks are absolutely vital during pregnancy for the baby to grow and develop. Your protein requirements increase by about 50% during pregnancy. The best sources of protein are meat and fish, dairy products, eggs, beans and some green vegetables-lentils, peas, beans, seeds, nuts and yeast are all very rich in protein. If you are a vegetarian you can still get enough protein from the latter foods, but some vegetarian women choose to eat a little fish and chicken in pregnancy to boost their protein intake. Fish is particularly valuable, because it contains a lot of minerals and vitamins and is also low in fat.

Carbohydrates

Carbohydrates are vital to meeting your energy needs in pregnancy. They do not have to be fattening: potatoes, especially if baked in their skins, are not fattening (they also contain a lot of vitamin C). Bread, flour, cereals and root vegetables are all good sources of carbohydrate. It’s best not to skip these at mealtimes; you may feel hungry again soon after eating and fill up on junk food instead.

Fat

You do not need extra fat in pregnancy. If you are gammg excessive weight you can cut down on butter, oils and sauces, and indulge in low-fat yogurts and cottage cheese. However, be careful that you do not lack important fat-soluble vitamins as a result. If you are unsure, check with your doctor.

Minerals

A number of minerals are known to be essential for health, especially during pregnancy. Because the body’s blood volume increases so much, iron is in extra demand during pregnancy. This is especially true in second and subsequent pregnancies, particularly if there has not been a long gap since the last baby was born. You can increase iron in the blood by eating iron-rich foods, notably dark-green vegetables such as spinach and watercress, liver (but some mothers may be advised to avoid liver), egg yolks, whole grains, beans and nuts, and nut spreads such as peanut butter. Your hemoglobin levels will be checked in pregnancy to make sure you are not becoming anemic. If you are, your doctor may prescribe iron pills.

Calcium is important in pregnancy for the formation of bones and teeth and to ensure blood clotting. Milk and dairy foods are a good source, but so are vegetables, whole grains, beans and nuts. Spinach, rhubarb and cocoa block calcium absorption, so do not have too much of these foods. Potassium, zinc and other trace elements are also important. Seafood is a good source of many minerals. Oysters are particularly rich in zinc.

Fiber

Many women find they tend to become constipated in pregnancy, because pregnancy hormones slow movement of the bowel muscles. Constipation can make mothers feel unwell, and may lead to hemorrhoids if you frequently strain to pass stool. It is important to eat foods with plenty of fiber, such as:

• Whole-grain bread
• Unrefined cereals like granola, or those rich in bran
• Raw fruit and vegetables

It’s also important to drink plenty of fluids.

Vitamins

Vitamins are essential in pregnancy, both to keep you healthy and for the development of your baby. Research has shown that mothers who have deficiencies in certain vitamins are at a greater risk of having a baby with disabilities or a baby with a low birth weight. Table 3.1 on pages 50 and 51 shows which vitamins you need and what they do. Remember that taking too much of certain vitamins can be harmful too, so check with your doctor.

Folic acid-a B-group vitamin-has been found to help prevent spina bifida and other neural-tube defects. Studies continue on its benefits during pregnancy. The current recommended dietary allowance for pregnant women is O.4mg a day. Women who have had a baby with a neural-tube defect are advised to take more, preferably beginning prior to the pregnancy. Check with your doctor.

It may come as a surprise to learn that older mothers are more likely to have twins than their younger counterparts. Identical twins are the result of the fertilized egg splitting in two and developing in exactly the same way, since they contain exactly the same genetic material. This occurs at random and does not seem to be influenced by heredity or age. Non-identical (fraternal) twins occur when two eggs are released in a cycle by the ovary, and both are fertilized. Non-identical twins are no more alike than other brothers and sisters. The chance of conceiving fraternal twins’ increases with age, especially if there are other non-identical twins in the family or if a woman has been taking certain fertility drugs before conceiving.

A twin pregnancy needs special care and monitoring. It puts an extra strain on the body, especially in older mothers. You will need to watch for signs of high blood pressure and anemia and you will need extra rest. Regular, watchful prenatal care is essential. Twin babies are more likely to be born prematurely. Sometimes one baby grows larger than the other, which may be of low birth weight, or both babies may be underweight. The birth will take place in the hospital because the second baby has a higher risk of complications if it is not born soon after the first, especially if it is not in the usual head-down position.

Emotional Changes in Pregnancy

It is as important to take care of yourself emotionally in pregnancy as it is to take care of your physical well-being. Emotional self-care can seem much more difficult! Many women find they change a lot in pregnancy: They feel more vulnerable and easily upset. Or they become preoccupied with the new life inside them and find it is more difficult to pay attention at work, visit friends or put energy into making their relationship with their partner run smoothly. Pregnancy thus tests many couples, though potentially it is a very rewarding time for them, too.

For older women, pregnancy and the accompanying loss of physical independence may come as something of a shock. “1 was used to being able to control everything,” says Pam, 41, “and then suddenly I couldn’t. I thought I could do everything just the same but my body told me otherwise! At the beginning it was the tiredness and the nausea. At the end it was that I was just so big, and I just couldn’t concentrate. And if anything at work went wrong, I felt like bursting into tears. I felt so vulnerable.”

Carla became pregnant at 41 after trying for two years. “It never occurred to me that I wouldn’t conceive. I assumed if I wanted a baby I could have it like everything else.” The pregnancy came at a good time, when Carla was able to take some time off work, which helped her get through the morning sickness and tiredness. “I think my age did make me more tired. 1 was working hard and trying to prove it didn’t make any difference.”

A woman’s feelings may depend on how well she feels in pregnancy as well as on the closeness of her relationships with her partner, family and friends and, perhaps most important of all, how much the pregnancy was planned and hoped for:

“1 got pregnant by accident - I wasn’t too pleased when I got the news! 1 had a teenage daughter by my first marriage and none in my second, but we’d agreed not to have any. My initial reaction was resentment, and the doctor offered a termination. I woke up and cried every morning to think that I was pregnant. But my husband had had no children in his first marriage. When I sat and thought about an abortion, I couldn’t have done it because of him.”

“After infertility tests and a miscarriage I was so thrilled to be pregnant! I went around in a daze for the whole pregnancy, despite morning sickness and other discomforts. I couldn’t contain myself, it was so exciting.”

Some women find work becomes a strain: “I thought pregnancy wouldn’t change me. What was I thinking! For the first three months I was terribly, bone-achingly tired. I couldn’t concentrate on work. 1 hate to admit this, but it was true.”

Karen had the same experience. “It was difficult, dragging into work those first months with bad morning sickness. I used to throw up regularly in the office bathroom as soon as 1 got in-it’s a miracle I was never sick on the bus! Then, later, I was couldn’t concentrate in meetings because the baby was kicking so much. It was odd to be there talking about work plans and schedules while this tremendous thing was going on inside me. I also became very cow-like and contented - I couldn’t rush for deadlines any more. They seemed so unimportant.”

Others, perhaps those with less pressure on them, find that they can really relax and enjoy the pregnancy and live it to the full. “1 felt great when I was pregnant. I felt fit and healthy and relaxed and let myself be taken care of.”