Gifts

The word holiday has related but different meanings in English. It was originally a combination of the words holy and day. These days originally represented special religious days. The word holiday has changed to mean any special day of rest, not counting weekends.

The problem of course is that we don’t rest on the Holidays. We spend considerable time looking for gifts or preparing for vacation. Unfortunately, when we went to school they emphasized the Three “R’s”; namely Reading, Rwriting and ‘Rithmatic. All that training to be diligent and to work hard started us thinking that we should be busy working hard all the time. Now they know better and in schools they emphasize the Four “R’s”; namely Reading, ‘Rwriting’, ‘Rithmatic’ and my personal favorite ‘Recess’.

Educators now describes the ability to play as one of four signs of a child’s health and well-being, the other three are eating, sleeping, and toileting. At the same time parents, teachers, and health professionals report a steady decline in children’s ability to play. This appears to be the gift that we wee taught in school that we are passing along to our children. Psychologists say that 95% of children are creative. They also say that only 4% of adults are creative. Solving our day to day problems in a creative manner is absolutely critical in today’s high-tech, complex society. This is why time off is so important.

This is also where Holidays become essential. These special days recharge our batteries and let our minds roam freely to grasp solutions to the problems in our everyday lives. In the English-speaking world a holiday can actually mean a vacation or period spent away from home or business in travel or recreation. A holiday can also be a day set aside for celebration or a special day on which school and/or offices are closed, such as Labor Day. These holidays or ‘Days Off’ as we call them, are really important to our mental and physical wellbeing. The term ‘Playwork’ has been termed to describe the encouragement and risk assessment to give people on holidays the ability to play within the bounds of safety. This can include a relaxing walk in a park, a visit to a zoo, a museum, a musical event and other venues.

Sometimes just the gift of time off is all we need to rejuvenate or re-create ourselves. On other occasions we wish to not only re-create ourselves but entertain ourselves at the same time. On these special occasions, we want to participate in a celebration of the holiday. Some examples that come to mind would be Christmas and Easter. For some people who want more, they may make up a celebration of the holiday, (day off or not) like Halloween or summer solstice, or the start of vacation.

A favor or gift that you can give someone would be doing some ‘Playwork’ planning for them. You could suggest and plan a celebration or party in anticipation of an upcoming holiday. You may wish to make this an annual event so that the anticipation for your event can build from year to year.

Some examples might be : Queen Victoria Day, Labour Day, Thanksgiving Day, Remembrance Day, Martin Luther King Day, Valentine’s Day, Mardi Gras, Purim, St. Patrick’s Day, Easter, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Shavuot, Independence Day, Rosh Hashanah, Yom Kippur, Ramadan, Halloween, Los Dias de los Muertos” (Days of the Dead), Thanksgiving Day, Chanukah, Christmas, and finally Kwanzaa.

Just pick any one day and create a special event or celebration to occur on that day. Gifts could be exchanged and special foods could be prepared or purchased to add a new feature to your unique celebration.

Advent
All Saints’ Day
All Souls’ Day
Ascension Thursday (Ascension of Jesus into Heaven)
Ash Wednesday (beginning of Lent)
Assumption of Mary (Assumption of the Virgin Mary)

A quick look in a dictionary will see the word ‘gift’ defined as something given voluntarily without payment in return, as to show favor toward someone, honor an occasion, or make a gesture of assistance. But there is so much more. Present and gift are both used to describe something given as an expression of affection, friendship, interest, or respect. Present is the more formal; gift is generally used to describe something conferred on an individual, a group, or an institution. Something special is presented like a birthday present; a less formal example might be a gift to a bride. A donation applies to an important gift, most often of money and usually of considerable size. A bonus applies to something, again usually money, given in addition to what is due, to employees who have worked for a long time or particularly well.

When a special occasion happens a special gift is given and ‘presented’ to the recipient at that occasion. This may be a birthday, a wedding, or the birth of a child. The very act defines to the recipient that we have a kind regard for that person. It may mean that the giver loves the recipient. It may even mean more.

Once our physiological needs have been met, once we have enough to eat, drink, clothing and shelter, then we start to think of security. Adults have little awareness of their security needs except in times of emergency such as widespread rioting. Children often display the signs of insecurity and the need to be safe. I often will ask the question: “Have you ever played chess?” Have you ever won on the first move?” The reason I ask this is because chess takes a little while for the game to be decided. So does life and relationships. Sometimes a gift is just a gift but a present may be the first move in much longer and more complicated series of events. It may be that we feel the need for long term companionship as a step towards more security in life.

Some of us do not feel the immediate need for safety and for physiological well-being. Anybody who watches the news regularly will certainly have some concerns. Fortunately all of us at some time or another will feel the need for love, affection and belongingness.

Years ago, before the age of modern communications like radio, movies, television, and the Internet, we visited friends and met at the town square or village plaza. But although times change, people still seek to overcome feelings of loneliness and alienation. This involves both giving and receiving love, affection and the sense of belonging.

This is where the act of not merely giving a gift but presenting a present and making it an occasion and really memorable helps to build your sense of connection to the recipient. It’s easy to do. To make the presentation an occasion decide who really needs a break, Have the kids been exceptionally good, dad got a promotion, or the family has been stuck in the house for days?

Now what to do? For kids you could try outdoor activities such as scooters, bike riding, skate boarding, or playing in the park. For adults you could try a walk without interruptions from cell phones, dance to your favorite songs, play golf, or try yard sales or antique hunting. At some point in the activity, the time will feel right to make a present of the gift and make a connection that could last a lifetime.

If the present or gift is for the family, the key to success is to stay active so you can get the gang to try bowling, hiking, swimming, badminton, or flag football. Leave options such as movies and dinner as a last resort.

So gift giving does not have to revolve around a national festival or holiday, it will be doubly appreciated. Just remember this saying:

“The present should look like an accident to the recipient.” Make it look like something that just ‘happened’ along the way. It will be even more memorable to the recipient.

Later in this series we will chat about gift giving on special holidays and occasions.

A boon is something to be thankful for, a blessing, or benefit. It may be received in the form of a gift or as something that is asked for or a favor that is sought. In olden times, it refers to a favor given by the nobility to one of a lower status. The member of the nobility or a noble person would grant a boon or gift to another person of lower rank.

This gift giving or granting of a gift or boon lead to a curious saying; “the quality of mercy is unstrained.” It means that if you are giving a gift or doing someone a favor then it makes great sense to do so in a way that is not dramatic or strained. It was originally spoken by Portia, in “The Merchant of Venice”, written by William Shakespeare in 1596.

Shakespeare actually wrote:

“The quality of mercy is unstrained;
It droppeth as the gentle rain from heaven;
Upon the place beneath: it is twice blessed;
It blesseth him that gives, and him that takes;
“Tis mightiest in the mightiest; it becomes;
The throned monarch better than his crown;”

What Shakespeare was writing about was the concept of mercy being a good thing. Over time this came to be taken for granted and the term of a ‘quality’ example of ‘mercy’ came into being. Giving a gift that requires a return gift or some future obligation makes the gift giving of a strained nature. When giving boons or granting boons became a popular obligation of the nobility, the granting of them in an unstrained manner makes the person granting the boon nobler than their position or title. The problem with this is that in a Monarchy, your Count votes, while in a Democracy, your vote counts.

This concept of mercy being unstrained was somewhat undermined by the idea of ‘Noblesse Oblige’. “Noblesse oblige” is generally used to imply that with wealth, power, and prestige come social responsibilities. The granting of mercy or boons was considered an obligation of the better off people in society. The term has also been applied to those who are capable of simple acts to help one who is less fortunate.

As an example in the US Marines officers are issued a book called, “The Marine Officer’s Guide”, where it states that, “As an officer, you demand a great deal of your men. But they in fact demand much more of you. If you let down one of your Marines, you are letting down the entire Corps. Noblesse oblige is the private motto of every officer of Marines.”

The granting of mercy or helping those of us who are less fortunate is becoming the territory of our elected officials. Many of whom would not know what you are talking about when you ask them about a favor or a boon. One of the advantages in a democracy is that if you were to ask one person how much a telephone book weighs, you may get anything from 2 ounces or 56.7 grams to 20 lbs. or 9.07 Kilograms. But if you ask 2000 people you will get an average answer very close to the exact weight.

However when electing public officials or politicians it is useful to note that the weight of a telephone book does not change until the next year, but the public official or politician will change sometimes daily. So predicting whether you will get and accurate judge of a politician when you vote may be more difficult than getting the accurate judge of the weight of a phone book.

The good news is that there is a solution and here is a gift for you. If you can convince the voting regulatory board in your jurisdiction to change the voting regulations, you should be able to get better candidates to run and better more merciful people to be elected. The change is really quite simple. Instead of every eligible voter getting one vote, they would, after the change, get 3 votes. In order for their vote to count, they would have to indicate who they want to finish in first place, who in second place and who in third place.

The person or candidate who gets the first place vote gets 2 points. The person who gets the second place vote gets 1 point and the person who gets the third place vote will get zero points. The person with the most points after the election wins. The interesting thing about this concept, first proposed by a French Mathematician in 1776, is that the candidate with the most second place votes will normally win the election. This means that he or she may not be some of the voter’s most popular person, but they will be all of the voter’s second place choice. It doesn’t take away peoples right to vote, but it does take a way their right to vote without thinking.

As soon as potential candidates realize this they will come out of the woodwork and start running as candidates and then you can see who will be the most merciful and best at granting boons and thus is most deserving of your vote.

I may not watch every quarterback pass or care whether or not “so-in-so” got traded to the Knicks, but I am definitely a team player when it comes to giving gifts. Last year, my husband’s sports teams were doing exceptionally well, especially his favorite NFL team. Being a team player doesn’t mean I have to glue myself to the television set whenever his team takes to the field. It’s the little things I do that lets him know I am listening and care about his interests.

As the first blanket of snow covered the ground, we were well into the football season, which wasn’t my favorite time of the year. Not only do I despise the icy cold weather and snowstorms, but I also dread when Sunday afternoon and Monday night rolls around. My husband sits uninterrupted for about 3 hours in front of the television for something he waits the entire week for. Out of all the sports he watches, I find football the most difficult to get into. With basketball, at least you can anticipate a dunk or an almost-impossible shot from a character you have seen on a Sprite commercial. With football, you wait for a touchdown or a fumble from a player you rarely get to identify with except for the number on his back. It just doesn’t do it for me.

Week after week, I listened to how his favorite football team pulled through another game, until I eventually found myself watching all of the Playoffs. I must admit the energy and excitement of following a team playing for a chance to go to the championship was something quite unexpected. I was actually getting into the game, learning specific plays and scrutinizing the drag of the yardage chain. It was like watching a sports soap opera, complete with drama: the referees started cheating the team I was rooting for.

At the end of the game, through many emotional ups and downs I didn’t know I could feel for a football game, our team was victorious. That year, the Super Bowl was being held less than 2 hours away from where we lived. Tickets were near impossible to get a hold of. As we watched the news regarding parades and events surrounding the Super Bowl, my husband would not be able to attend. I wanted him to have something that would connect him to the game when he watched it on the big screen.

I knew I would be able to find something on the Internet, so I scanned the impressive list of football items on EBay until something caught my eye. The bright gold and black colors lassoed my attention, as I promptly purchased the Myron Cope’s Official Terrible Towel, a must-have for any Pittsburgh Steelers fan. On the day of the Super Bowl, I presented him with the gift. He was ecstatic. During the game, he safety-pinned it around his head (looking ridiculous), but I guess this is what diehard fans do. As I scanned the crowd at the game, I saw much worse.

That night, the Steelers became the champions of the 2005 football season, but that didn’t compare to the winning feeling I had from giving my husband a piece of the game to remember.

You always hear the stories of receiving gifts that were quite sweet in gesture, but really don’t fit into your lifestyle or tastes. This ranges from the Christmas tree sweater that glows in the dark to the poofy pink taffeta dress you might have worn when you were 7, but not at the age of 27. With every gift, you can always find something worthy to dwell on, even if it is a bit of humor wrapped with a bow.

My father often jokes with me about my affection towards a gift that comes from the Dollar Store. I must admit you can find various quirky additions to any holiday at this inexpensive chain of stores. When money was tight, it was this store that provided the decorations for my entire house and Christmas tree without giving a hint to the amount of money spent. It’s truly amazing what you will find at the Dollar Store, from cleaning supplies to candles to inexpensive alternatives for movie theater treats. Anyhow, for about five years running, my father would question where some of his gifts came from, making references to one of the cheapest places around promising the purchase of almost anything.

This has been a long running joke within my immediate family because I have a history of creating decorative, Dollar Store-themed baskets for the holidays. One year, for my brother, I stuffed his basket with anything to do with his cell phone. He was always losing his adapter to charge his phone, so I bought him two of them. I also included a set of earphones for the car, an extra cell phone case, even an extra battery. All of these items cost a dollar; all of which were used.

As for my father, he has received Dollar Store baskets pertaining to some of the items he often uses. One year, the theme was garden tools. He found delight in telling me how quickly the stem cutters broke when he went to trim a rose bush. The next year, he received a basket filled with cleaning and maintenance supplies for the car. You can never have too much oil, carburetor fluid or car wash supplies. The year after that, I packed a basket full of various tools, such as wrenches, screwdrivers and pliers. I don’t feel bad about these gifts because I know they will eventually get used. For my mother, a basket filled with scented lotions and soaps has brought a smile to her face. I really lucked out when a supply of Oil of Olay eye creams found their way to the Dollar Store.

I have always taken pride in never failing to give a gift on special occasions. It didn’t matter if I had to make a present with my own two hands, but I made sure my loved ones would be opening someone from me on their special day. Over the years, my budget has improved to the point where I no longer have to depend on the Dollar Store for the bulk of my gifts. What started as a way to cope with dreary financial circumstances has now become a welcomed family tradition.

You never met her or her friends. She made a confession over the phone. They thought you were the dreamy-est thing they’d ever seen. That was exactly how she said it. It was sweet - school-girl sweet, and sincere. They had a photograph - that was all.

What they didn’t know was just how much it meant. How could they?

Like a character in a Springsteen song you’d been down one too many brutal roads and had begun to wonder if there was ever going to be moment where the proverbial light of the next day shone through to illuminate a better time; a better place.

You knew a man who had been out of work for a year. He had a computer file with the places he’d sent his resume.

One thousand and seven, he said, half mystified by the number, half in awe of the reality of it.

You went on interview after interview. They gave you tests. Your favorite was the typing test that asked you to copy as fast as you could a report that said the job market was fraught with uncertainty. It was like the sign on the door to a building that said: please use other door… it made you wonder just what were people thinking, and if they were thinking anything at all.

You were sitting in a bar, with a friend. It was late and a slow evening on a brutally humid day in the middle of a long hot, weary summer. The bartender said he was bored. He pulled out a deck of cards. High card draw wins a free drink, he said. In the background, a television, with the sound turned off, was showing highlights of the day’s baseball games.

Your friend smiled. You said: I never win things like this.

You asked him what happens if you loose.

Nothing, he said, and he smiled.

You looked at the cards splayed out in front of you and you reached for one, stopped, thought better of it, and you chose another.

Your friend went to choose next and, looking at your card, you said: don’t bother, I won.

You were getting dressed to meet someone. You had told them you had a story to share. You put on a clean shirt and felt something in the shirt’s pocket. You smiled as you pulled out two dollars.

You sat together at the table in front of the restaurant. It was late and warm. The sound of cars coming and going in the parking lot just beyond the tables made an echoing hum on the cement.

It became later than it had been and you sat talking about this and that. A man stopped by to ask for money.

I’m trying to get to Bowie Maryland, he said.

You smiled, handed him the two dollars and while he walked away, your friend said you were being foolish. You laughed until you remembered he was the same man who had said the same thing a month before.

Well, you said, it’s still funny, the way the luck changes and that’s his karma, not mine.

Then there was the phone call. Dreamy, she said. And there was no way she could have known how much that moment of honesty - that gift of honesty - meant.

Living peacefully with relatives may seem like a daunting task for most. There are ways to assure family harmony without compromising your personal happiness and sanity.

Treating all relatives equally is the key to keeping the peace. No one but you should know who your favorites in the family are. To illustrate equal love amongst all try these tactics:

1. Send the same holiday cards to all relatives. Use the same salutations and messages for each individual.
2. If giving a photo, make sure to give the same photo setting and photo size to all.
3. Sending a birthday card to one relative and not another will only leave hurt feelings and ruffled feathers. Be committed to acknowledging all family birthdays or none.
4. Send a regular “newsletter.” Make the letter uniform and make sure everyone gets a copy. There is no need to give extremely personal information. A brief update on career, kids, health, etc. will eliminate gossip and reduce phone calls from curious relatives.
5. Set up one day to gather with everyone, to avoid surprise visitations. Make sure all in the family are invited. Plan a specific time for the event to allow for travel and avoid straggling relatives who don’t know when to leave. If overnight stays are unavoidable, make prior arrangements for relatives to stay at a local motel and not your home.
6. Keep a record of your family gifting. Make sure the same dollar amount is given for each wedding, graduation, and holiday gift. Gift certificates are a great way to assure uniform giving.

Equal treatment of all relatives is a simple organized way to keep the peace in a family. Remember to think of yourself first. Your health, happiness, privacy and time are always the priority. Use caution not to sacrifice these things to please another family member. Not everyone will be happy with the way you organize your life, but no one in the family will be able to say they were treated differently or unfairly by you.

The word alone brings shivers to my spine: stepmother. Being a child of Disney movies, the ultimate stepmother was Cinderella’s dear Mommy, and I didn’t want to be linked to her in any way, shape or form. She was mean, cold, unforgiving and selfish. She treated Cinderella like a third-class citizen. All stepmothers who came after her are still having a hard time erasing her bad name! I swore I would never be in her league.

I love my stepson with all my heart. I don’t even refer to him as a ’step’ except when required. To me, he is simply my child, just the same as the daughter I carried in my tummy. Unfortunately, stepchildren, like any children, get in trouble, and when stepmom has to step in to set things right, the ‘wicked’ hat is tossed on her!

While my husband and I were still dating, I wore the hat twice. The first time was a test; my husband had to work, and his son and I had the day off from school. “Of course I’ll watch him,” I said. I was excited to take him to the movies, the park, and out for ice cream. I couldn’t wait. Anyway, he was only five years old. How bad could it be?

I took him to the movies. For the life of me, I can’t remember which movie, but I can remember exactly where we parked in the parking lot. That’s because the parking lot was the source of our troubles. Before the movie, he refused to hold my hand. I insisted, because he was running around in the parking lot, splashing in puddles, paying no mind to oncoming traffic. One chance was all he got where safety was concerned!

After the movie, it was more of the same. I gave the ultimatum: hold my hand or we’re going home and skipping ice cream. So much for ice cream! The problem compounded with a bloodcurdling tantrum all the way home and into the late afternoon. By the time my then boyfriend came home, his son was red-faced and sitting on the edge of his bed in Time Out. Mean Daddy’s girlfriend!

The second time was months later. We were visiting my parents and my now fiancé was mowing the lawn. I don’t even remember the cause of this outburst. All I remember is his refusal to sit in Time Out. After a few talk backs and screams, I found myself removing a tall six year old from the situation via the over-the-should carry. Up the stairs we went where Time Out could be spent behind doors. Evil stepmother-to-be!

By the time I became a stepmom we had things straightened out pretty well, and anything that isn’t, I pass the buck to Daddy. Nice stepmother!

Stay-at-home moms? I don’t know any of those. I know lots of drive-around-frantically moms, though. I’m one myself.

I have a lot of friends who go off to work in an office each day, or maybe a few days a week. I admire them. They’re always clean. They get things done. I brag about them as if they were my children: the lawyer, the doctor, the business owner, the physical therapist, the teacher. They’re productive citizens and great moms. They like their jobs and they love their kids.

I, on the other hand, am neither productive nor great. I’m rarely clean. I never get the chance to actually finish anything-I’ve left the house with half my hair combed. And truth be told, lots of times I’m not even close to great as a mom. Let’s just say the kids and I get a little tired of each other sometimes.

I’m not, technically, a working mom since I don’t work for real money. I arrange my life around my kids’ schedule. I’m the one who is not just responsible for every little thing but also expected to make every little thing happen just right. So even though I’m classified a stay-at-home mom, I’m not.

I drive so much, I suspect that I’m single-handedly responsible for the melting of at least one glacier. I’ve had 200-mile days when I’ve never gone above 40 mph. There have been times behind the wheel when I had absolutely no idea where I was supposed to be going. Not lost, mind you, just clueless. Which child am I getting where-and when am I supposed to be there?

I’m not a bad driver. I have no record of accidents or tickets-though I admit to being as much a scofflaw as the next person and a bit of a lead foot. I don’t dislike driving or get nervous on highways or bridges. I’m not meticulous about my car, either, so I don’t worry so much about its condition, like the school of smushy goldfish beneath the seat cushions, or the-is that dog fur or mold? behind the cupholder. In fact, I guess I kind of like my car because, unlike everything else in my life, it can actually handle my particular type of care: benign neglect.

But no matter how much I like driving or my car, I don’t want to drive all the time. I don’t want to get in my car in the morning, in the dirty shorts I wore gardening, and get out in the evening, in the dirty shorts I wore gardening, and have nothing to show for my day but mileage. I didn’t win a case like my lawyer friend, cure an illness, like my doctor friend, or fix a sprain like my physical therapist friend. There’s not going to be any IPO for my driving business, and I know I didn’t teach my kids anything useful (except maybe that special word Mommy used just that one time to the mean man who almost sideswiped her-that could be useful someday).

If I’m going to be classified a stay-at-home mom, with the income of a stay-at-home mom, when am I going to get to stay at home?

Fortunately for me, my parents were both educators and artistic. My father was a drama director, and my mother was a math teacher. Reading was a favorite pastime in our home, and our TV time was limited to PBS and educational programming. We played board games and card games regularly. I spent equal time on the Atari video games as I did with educational electronics of the day such as “Speak & Spell” and “Merlin.” Our board games consisted of “Master Mind” (code-breaking), “Othello” (strategy & planning), and the timeless games of chess and checkers.

Now, as a parent of three young daughters, I strive to provide them with a home environment that encourages problem-solving, literacy and free-thinking. My girls just passed standardized tests with flying colors, being placed in the public school as “gifted” children. Whether or not you subscribe to nature or nurture as the source of our intelligence and personality, there is significant influence from the atmosphere you provide for your child as he/she develops.

The following list of suggestions can prove as learning tools no matter what your budget or your family dynamic:

1. Surround your youngster with books. A child who reads is a child who thinks. It is proven that reading increases skills in spelling, writing, vocabulary and verbal communication. It also opens their minds to new ideas and nurtures the imagination far more than movies or television. Reading to your child also provides a quality time unrivaled by most other activities. A public library card can be a treasured gift for a child to learn to make their own choices for entertainment.
2. Turn off the television. While there are several choices for children’s programming with cable and satellite dishes, the studies are overwhelming to show decreased brain activity when a human being is in front of the “idiot tube.”
3. Play games. A good board game can involve family and friends. They are an inexpensive source of entertainment and learning that encourage strategy, social skills and healthy competition.
4. Go on outings to provide new experiences. Search the internet for one-tank trips to museums, art galleries, community concerts, arts & crafts expositions, nature walks, camping excursions, sporting events and dance recitals. Many free activities for the family can be found in local papers, web sites, and the bulletin boards at the public libraries.
5. Set an example of learning. Do your recreational reading in front of your child. Practice your instrument with him in the room. Practice your fitness routine and invite your daughter to join. Share your experiences when you return from a night at the theatre. Let your child know that all learning experiences are accessible and encouraged.
6. Get involved in your child’s school. Take time to learn what they are learning. Research a paper with them. Enforce a topic from school with a special book, meal, song, discussion or craft. Your excitement about your child’s school work can be contagious.
7. Be the educator over summer break. If your child attends a traditional school year, you have three months to provide alternative learning encounters. This is the time when you can add a personal touch to involve your children in your hobbies and interests, and you can watch them make decisions and pursue what interests them.

As human beings, we naturally grow and learn and develop. But, the love of learning must be acquired. A passion for wanting to know more and wanting to be more is learned from those in our lives who care for us and show us the benefits of stretching our minds, honing our skills, and letting our talents shine.