Gifts

One of the first decisions you may have to make in order to adjust your own life to your baby’s schedule is to modify your expectations of yourself especially if you are something of a perfectionist. The Supermom who runs a home with consummate efficiency, serves three gourmet meals at the same hours every day, gives skilled care of a brand new infant, and is always perfectly groomed, is a myth. Trying to make that myth a reality has caused many a mother serious trouble.

If you are a new parent who has a full-time housekeeper, an immaculate house must take second place to a lovingly cared for baby and to parents rested enough to handle their daily responsibilities. A quick pickup everyday will keep your home tidy enough to be comfortable. Heavier household jobs can be postponed or skimmed over until there’s more time, or can be delegated to someone else. The best helper will probably be the baby’s father, if his work schedule allows or if he can arrange leave or vacation, because it gives him a chance to get to know his child in an everyday unhurried fashion, as he goes about the housekeeping chores. If this is not possible, try to arrange for some extra help, either by hiring someone to come in for a few hours a day or a week, or by accepting offers of friends or family members to clean or do laundry.

Cut down your expectations of the way family meals should be prepared and served too, but do not skimp on nutrition. You need a well-balanced diet of wholesome foods that your new responsibility requires, but you do without fanciness and formality. Enjoy the casseroles and baked goods thoughtful people supply and don’t feel guilty about occasionally bringing in a fast-food meal. When you must cook, choose simple basic foods that can be prepared quickly and easily.

Cesarean sections are being carried out more frequently than ever before. According to a report by the International Childbirth Educators Association’s Cesarean-Options Committee (1997), “In the past 20 years, Cesarean-section rates have quintupled in the United States, to 23.8% [of all births] in 1989, and nearly quadrupled in Canada, to 18.3% in 1987-8.” The rate is one in three for high-risk pregnancies (women giving birth after age 35 are currently considered to be subject to high-risk pregnancy). The main reason for this change is that the operation has become much safer than it used to be. Improvements in anesthetics have lowered the risk, especially since a planned Cesarean can now be done with an epidural rather than general anesthetic.

The development of the low, transverse “bikini cut” incision also made the operation safer and more acceptable, and decreased the risk for women who may want to have a later birth the normal way. The number of Cesareans has increased in recent years for reasons that include:

• Doctors are better able these days to detect babies in distress who need to be delivered this way.
• It reduces the use of forceps, which can carry its own risks.
• It is considered a safe surgery.
• Having had a Cesarean can predispose a woman for another in a subsequent pregnancy.
• The most common reason cited for a Cesarean is that the baby’s head is too big to pass through the pelvis, but other reasons include:
• The mother suffers from a disease, such as diabetes or chronic high blood pressure.
• The uterus does not contract properly, even with stimulation.
• There are signs of fetal distress.
• The placenta is wrongly positioned (placenta previa).

The mother’s age is also taken into account, because it is anticipated that older mothers will have more difficult labors, and the baby may be more “precious,” especially if the woman has suffered infertility or miscarriages or may not conceive again. In these circumstances a doctor may prefer to do a Cesarean than take any risk for the baby’s well-being:

“The attending staff never mentioned my age at all. They didn’t make me feel old. It was only at the end, when they discovered she was breech, that it suddenly came up, because they wanted me to have a Cesarean. They said, ‘Well, it’s your first baby, it’s breech, you’ve had infertility problems and you’re 40. This might be your only baby, so you want to be sure that nothing goes wrong.’”

It becomes necessary, then, to formulate some principles for influencing children. Parents need advice, because the pattern of their lives does not guarantee the wholesome development of the child. It is impossible here to discuss in detail the methods of home education. The few principles in the chapter on “Living Together,” however, offer a wide range of adequate approaches. The first underlying principle is the comprehension of and respect for human dignity. In dealing with a child, adults must respect their own dignity, and also that of the child. Neglecting one’s own dignity means indulgence; neglecting the child’s dignity is suppression. Both destroy cooperation, both establish tyrants and slaves.

Another principle is: “neither fight nor give in:’ For the purpose of family education, one must add the postulates, “Win the child to an acceptance of order” and “Encourage the child.” These three principles, no fighting, maintaining order, and giving constant encouragement, belong intrinsically together. No one is possible without the other two. If we fight, we shall never be capable of making the child accept order and invariably will discourage the child. Failing to insist that the child observe order leads inevitably to fighting; a child will not be able to conform to order and will force his parents to fight him.

For many parents, it is impossible to believe that children can be brought up without being subjected to force. “Spare the rod and spoil the child” is a characteristic expression of distrust in human nature, which, in this view, can best be tamed, but never made social without coercion. Such parents need to be convinced that when they resort to fighting the child, they are inevitably the losers. The child has too many advantages in his favor-he knows so much better how to handle his parents than they know how to treat him. Devoting all his time to observing his environment, he knows each parent’s vulnerable spot. He is imaginative and invents hundreds of modes of warfare, while the rigid adult sticks to three or four measures which, in addition, are mostly ineffectual. The child knows exactly how to get his way, and the parents, despite all fighting, inevitably yield.

It becomes obvious that fighting is useless. All the methods of humiliation-shouting, scolding, and spanking succeed only for the moment, if they have any effect at all. The child strikes back at the first opportune occasion and for each apparent victory of the parents the child scores at least ten real victories. Habitual disobedience is a natural consequence. But where there is a friendly relationship with a real understanding between parents and child, how easy things are! Every child is very sensitive to kindness and to firmness, too. Children who do not respond have been taught that only force is important.

Mary was playing in the yard when Mother called, “Mary, come here.” Continuing her play, Mary showed no signs of having heard. Mother called again. And again there was no response. A family friend passing by listened to Mother’s call several times, then approached Mary and asked her whether she had not heard the call. “Oh, yes!” she replied quietly, continuing her play. The friend was a little indignant. “Then why don’t you go home?” Undisturbed, Mary answered, “Oh, I have time. Mother hasn’t yelled yet!”

Many parents-and the best ones-fail woefully to recognize the importance of order. They sincerely love the child. They want to save him any disappointment or painful experience. Because they want to make his life happy, they eliminate any rule of order. The child’s wish is their command. They hope that later on the child will learn to understand better and be more sensibly inclined. How wrong they are! Once a child has learned that his desire is omnipotent, he must regard any attempt to deny his omnipotence, whether of parents or teachers, as an injustice, as an effort to deprive him of privileges he considers his natural right, and will interpret it as a sign of rejection and humiliation. Overprotection and indulgence never win a child; never make him cooperative and courageous. They deprive him of enjoying order, of experiencing his own strength in helping himself and being useful to others. Instead of preventing unpleasant experiences, indulgence exposes the child to more and worse suffering. Instead of helping him, it endangers him; and the fight and friction, always dreaded, become inevitable.

Indulgence is often based on a faulty idea of freedom.

To give children freedom and self-expression is necessary; but freedom without order is impossible. On the other hand, there is no permanent order without freedom. In some cultures, the idea of order is exaggerated to such an extent that children are deprived of any self-expression. Strict rule and instant obedience are the main goals of education. The consequences are identical with those produced by suppression and humiliation. Toughness, strength, and success may be achieved in that way, but the human relationship suffers. On the other hand, this very human relationship is endangered just as much by another frequent misunderstanding of freedom. Freedom is not the right to do whatever we want, because such freedom necessarily means imposition on others to whom we then deny the same privilege. If everyone acts as he likes, disregarding the desires of his fellow men, then no one can enjoy freedom only anarchy results. Freedom and special privilege for one person cannot be called freedom at all. It is actually tyranny and dictatorship. Under the pretext of granting freedom parents make their children unhappy despots who are unable to get along with others and feel rejected by everyone not submissive to their rule.

Many children grow up with a very peculiar conception of order. For them order is everything that they don’t want to do. They must learn to recognize that order is beneficial to them. It is not at all difficult to teach them this. When a child refuses to submit to the routine which regulates the life of the family, we can help him to understand better what order means. There are many ways to impress a child with the real significance of order. For example, he may agree that it would be nice if each member of the family could do-for a day or so-whatever he likes best. Very soon, the child will discover that he gains very little and loses very much if father and mother also do only what they like best at any given moment. There are no meals prepared, no beds made, and no clothes cleaned. Obviously order serves not the interest of anyone person but all of them together. Freedom is only the liberty of acting independently as long as one does not infringe upon the freedom of anyone else.

And now the third and most important rule: The child needs constant encouragement. He needs encouragement as a plant needs water. Our present method of rearing children is instead full of discouragement. Indulgence and suppression create innumerable experiences of discouragement. For parents are needlessly timid. They see everywhere possible dangers; they identify themselves with their children, and, having no confidence in themselves, they can hardly believe that the child can take care of himself. Instead of recognizing the potentialities of a child, they compare his size and capacity with their own and conclude that he must be so many times less capable than they themselves are. In reality, the child generally has more physical and mental abilities than the parents credit him with. This doubt in the child’s potentialities, carried from one generation into the next, is one of the reasons why adults leave so many of their capacities undeveloped, never reaching the fruition of their potentialities.

Any educational procedure may best be evaluated according to the degree of encouragement it involves. Whatever increases the courage of a child is helpful-and whatever discourages, harmful. No child is genuinely “bad.” Every child likes to be good, wishes to be successful, loves to be “nice.” Only if he gives up hope, if he loses confidence in himself, only then will he misbehave. The technique of encouragement is not yet fully recognized and fostered. Very few people deliberately plan to encourage, and even those frequently don’t know how. Some try to be sweet how the children hate that! Children observe very closely too closely not to recognize insincerity. Dishonest praise can never encourage. Undeserved commendation is either meaningless or disgusting. Even sincerely expressed admiration may discourage a child, despite his pleasure in it, if he feels that he cannot live up to the high appreciation.

These two factors seem to be essential for encouragement: sincerity and recognition of the personal needs of the child. Each child has abilities and faculties which can be commended, and each has sore spots which need tender care. Without having faith in the child, however, no one will be able to instill in him a better opinion of himself. Self-confidence, recognition of the strength of his own faculties, means courage. Whosoever can provide it can enhance the efficiency and facilitate necessary social adjustments of any person he meets-especially of a child yearning for just this kind of assistance.

Influences that encourage, natural in a friendly atmosphere, are impossible where antagonism reigns, where hostility, non-compliance, and mutual depreciation dominate the human relationship. When husband and wife disagree, when parents fight with each other, then the children, too, compete with each other, each one trying to dishearten his adversary of the moment. How many and how subtle are the means by which parents stifle their child’s natural and diversified talents, discourage his efforts, and prevent the development of his feeling of confidence in his own value and in his creative power.

Every mistake and every fault in a child reflects the discouragement to which he has been exposed in his family.

Otherwise, he would have found a better answer to his problem. A child brought up in an atmosphere of love and understanding is eager and willing to do his share. Surrounded by friendliness and genuine interest, he develops happily and responds to the social demands. But as so many parents and teachers themselves are the product of an atmosphere of friction and competition, they fail to provide proper guidance to the child. They forget the terrible feeling of insecurity, of detachment, of being unloved, which they probably experienced themselves. They learn less from studying child psychology than from their own upbringing. Far from discovering the child’s possibilities, they oppose what he does; they hinder him, but hardly stimulate him. Yes, sometimes they achieve obedience, but at what price? They have in their efforts ruined a personality. They do not understand why a child feels neglected-they are completely unaware of why he behaves disturbingly.

Another factor impedes the development of a natural attitude toward sex in children, particularly in boys. Children, regarding their bodies as part of a strange world, examine themselves quite thoroughly. Over-anxious parents, discovering acts of self-investigation, become overly concerned and try, often clumsily, to prevent any touching of the genitals. It would be less dangerous to ignore these first investigations of the body than to frighten the child, for we know that early masturbation develops less from a natural inclination of the child than as a consequence of violent interference with harmless and insignificant actions. Most of the so-called bad habits in children are skillfully though unintentionally cultivated by parents and nurses who do not know that the normal child is inclined to repeat any movement from which he is forcibly restrained. Therefore, this interference of adults with curious investigation, far from preventing masturbation, simultaneously encourages the practice and instills mental conflicts which become far more dangerous during adolescence than any physical consequences. Implanting in the child a belief that sex organs are unclean and taboo and thus associating them with sin actually poisons the child’s mind.

A child’s first sexual experiences, also, affect his attitude toward sex. Such experiences occur very early. Growing older, he is likely to forget them, but all children do experience sexual excitement, some definitely and others only vaguely. Adults kiss a child on his mouth with no suspicion of his reaction. Titillations of a sexual nature are not restricted to any age. Some games, certain gymnastic practices or repeated movements arouse similar excitations. The sensation of fear may often provoke sexual stimulation. Children are unable to explain these feelings, although they derive great satisfaction from them. Parents could help mitigate harm from these mysterious experiences if they had the full confidence of their children. Most parents, however, through previous reprimanding interference, have lost their child’s willingness to confide in them, as far as sex is concerned. Casual discussion without excitement or embarrassment can remove the child’s bewilderment. A casual attitude prevents later conflicts and disappointments caused by established patterns of excitation.

How a childhood experience may considerably affect a later normal sexual adjustment was demonstrated by a woman who suffered from her inability to enjoy sexual intercourse. She longed for a specific gratification that she never could obtain in her marriage. In the course of our discussions, she became aware of what disturbed her. Once, as a little girl, while swinging she had experienced a peculiarly delightful sensation in her genitals. She could reproduce it by swinging. Later, although she expected the same excitement in a sexual relationship, she never found it. Consequently, she drifted from one man to another. Of course, this was not the real reason she could never find a suitable companion. This girl had an erroneous conception of love. She did not seek any real love, but was only seeking a particular genital excitement. Her first experience had given her an entirely wrong idea of sexual pleasure. Now she wanted only this specific pleasure and not a man’s companionship. Obviously, what she expected to derive from a relationship and from marriage was in no way connected with love.

There is a school of thought, persuasively represented in England by Sir Norman Angell, among others, which contends that the national ownership of raw materials is unimportant and that the alleged grievances of the so-called (’have-not” powers are largely, if not entirely, spurious. Members of this school of economic thinking declare that the expense of conquering and administering colonies is out of all proportion to the trade, investment, and migration benefits which accrue from colonial imperialism. Since producers of essential raw materials are only too eager to find buyers, there is nothing, according to this line of argument, to prevent a nation which is poor in raw materials from buying what it needs in the cheapest market and building up its industries on imported raw materials.

The individual’s attitude toward his own sex corresponds to his attitude toward the other sex; both attitudes determine his behavior. The conception of the opposite sex is developed during early childhood. The first emotional responses to a person of the opposite sex are of lasting importance. Generally, father and mother set the first example of man and woman living together. A little child, with his limited comprehension, cannot recognize that the conditions at home are characteristic only of his own family and are not generally prevalent. For him the situation at home represents the whole world. And, therefore, the relationship between the parents appears as the only possible one between men and women. Thus the child constructs his conception of married life. Without realizing it, parents thus influence the child’s attitude toward marriage. The parent of the opposite sex, as its representative, often affects the future sex-life of a child decisively. A sibling of the opposite sex may have the same fateful significance.

If a boy and his mother or a girl and her father are too devoted to each other, the relationship may become an obstacle to the child’s later mating. A young boy who is favored and therefore very much spoiled and pampered by his mother cannot imagine that another woman will be equally devoted to him. Very frequently, this doubt prevents his falling in love and marrying. He is not prepared to meet a woman on the basis of give-and-take, as required in a happy marriage. The same often holds true in the relationship between father and daughter. A girl who is strongly attached to her father may expect from her husband the same understanding patience, guidance, and protection. She is apt to forget that no man of her own generation could possess the same relative superiority as her father, especially since girls now have for the most part the same educational and professional opportunities as boys.

This problem seems particularly prevalent in our day.

Women protest against being the inferior sex, but, on the other hand, they dream of a husband to whom they can look up. They still cling to the idea that men must be stronger, more reliable than they. But how many men can a woman find to excel her as much as her father did when she was a child? She is bound to be disappointed, because she can rarely find such a man. Even should she eventually do so, she will not accept him. Resenting his superiority, she may withdraw from him or find fault so that again she may look down upon him.

Children Become Afraid of Sex

Our children grow up in a world of confusion, where all values, traditions, and customs totter. Their keenly observing eyes cannot fail to discern our fears and inhibitions. Their concept of sex is warped by the recognition of friction between men and women, and by the irritations caused by sex. The phantom of masculine superiority intimidates boys by imposing on them an obligation which they can never expect to fulfill, and invites girls to rebel against their secondary role. The masculine protest of boys and girls invests sex with all these threats of social humiliation, suppression, and degradation. The manner in which children make their first acquaintance with sex as a physiological mechanism intensifies the sense of danger. Long before children experience the functions of their own bodies, they hear about love-making, about sex relations and their consequences. What they hear is seldom pleasant. Adults talk freely in the presence of young children, because they believe that a child does not understand. Yet even if a child cannot understand the real meaning of words and ideas, he can sense the significance of remarks. So children learn about the dangers of pregnancies, about the disgrace connected with sexual experiences. Much of what they hear about sex is linked with suffering, disgrace, disadvantage, or even disaster. Especially girls become aware early that the disadvantages and dangers affect women mainly. No wonder that women are more inclined than men to regard sexuality as brutal, inhuman, and bestial.

Since first becoming a mother I have grown more and more dissatisfied with the quality of my own mothering and that of mothers around me. With our children we are conscientious but nervous we try hard but are rarely spontaneous. We have no solid inside reservoir of know-how and confidence.

The self-assurance of American mothers has been seriously undermined in recent years. More and more) women have been bombarded by the often conflicting opinions of child psychologists) pediatricians and early-learning educators. Women’s Lib has also complicated the mothering role. The Movement has convinced many women that to be nothing but a mother is to be a failure. Such a mother then cannot help but resent the supposed cause of her failure: her child) her children. The resentment that sets in only takes her further away from her mothering core.

But the problem goes back further. There is a serious lack of instilled mothering knowledge in this generation of mothers. Women are educating themselves well about pregnancy, birth and often breast-feeding, but that is as far as they go alone. Within hours after hospital delivery, new mothers realize that the living beings thrust into their arms are little-known quantities.

Panicked and disoriented, we are suddenly aware we were not taught the craft of mothering. Our mothers knew how to cook real oatmeal for the three-month-old, embroider a smock or make a dandelion chain for the toddler. They were taught the craft, but few passed it down. Though they knew the old ways they had lost the conviction that anything “old” mattered.

The World War II generation of mothers is the missing link with the past.

Even before their time, the chain was weakening, but mothers after the war fell prey in vast numbers to the Age of Technology. Commercial entrepreneurs assaulted them. Gerber, Walt Disney, Matte, and many other companies convinced those young mothers that to be modern and efficient, they should buy rather than make.

Sociological changes also worked against these women. Postwar families grew smaller and smaller; daughters had less and less chance to watch their mothers take care of younger sisters and brothers. Also, the nuclear family structure excluded grandmothers, great-aunts and others who used to contribute mothering information. Even women’s education got in the way. Mothers became obsessed with their daughters’ homework. Night after night, year after year, they insisted on neat geometry assignments rather than sitting with their daughters for an hour to sew.

For our children and ourselves, we have to find a way to keep the benefits of twentieth-century education, technology and change while also recapturing the older, slower sense of mothering calm. In this book I have tried to set down classic mother craft tools, most of them safely rooted in the pre-World War I era. The recipes and household suggestions call for few prepackaged aids-they begin at the beginning. The samples of old songs, rhymes, stories and art forms are widely varied but dependable, well-anchored and in general of better quality than much of what are being offered today. In the Playtime and Nature chapters, I emphasize things to invent and do with a child that cost little, that will make a parent’s time with a child more fruitful, and that will give the child a sense of creating on his own.

The last thing I hope for is to push mothers into doing more for their children. The old) basic ideas put forth here are meant to help a mother save her energy and yet have more of a sense of accomplishment at the end of a day. Even more important are the seeds each mother can add to this garden. We can reach back into our childhood and family past and unearth whatever crafting tools of our own give us each the most personal confidence and joy.

Little children in both England and America have always been taught the rudiments of education at home, as a matter of course. The mother, the aunt or the older sister usually was the teacher. Thus the child began his learning naturally: he scarcely knew he was being taught.

Once started, the child learns many things fastest by himself. “Teaching” can actually interrupt the momentum of personal thought.

A mother gives a clue. The child draws out the thread, tracing his way through the labyrinth by himself. When he finally arrives at the center, he is alone and triumphant.

The word alone brings shivers to my spine: stepmother. Being a child of Disney movies, the ultimate stepmother was Cinderella’s dear Mommy, and I didn’t want to be linked to her in any way, shape or form. She was mean, cold, unforgiving and selfish. She treated Cinderella like a third-class citizen. All stepmothers who came after her are still having a hard time erasing her bad name! I swore I would never be in her league.

I love my stepson with all my heart. I don’t even refer to him as a ’step’ except when required. To me, he is simply my child, just the same as the daughter I carried in my tummy. Unfortunately, stepchildren, like any children, get in trouble, and when stepmom has to step in to set things right, the ‘wicked’ hat is tossed on her!

While my husband and I were still dating, I wore the hat twice. The first time was a test; my husband had to work, and his son and I had the day off from school. “Of course I’ll watch him,” I said. I was excited to take him to the movies, the park, and out for ice cream. I couldn’t wait. Anyway, he was only five years old. How bad could it be?

I took him to the movies. For the life of me, I can’t remember which movie, but I can remember exactly where we parked in the parking lot. That’s because the parking lot was the source of our troubles. Before the movie, he refused to hold my hand. I insisted, because he was running around in the parking lot, splashing in puddles, paying no mind to oncoming traffic. One chance was all he got where safety was concerned!

After the movie, it was more of the same. I gave the ultimatum: hold my hand or we’re going home and skipping ice cream. So much for ice cream! The problem compounded with a bloodcurdling tantrum all the way home and into the late afternoon. By the time my then boyfriend came home, his son was red-faced and sitting on the edge of his bed in Time Out. Mean Daddy’s girlfriend!

The second time was months later. We were visiting my parents and my now fiancé was mowing the lawn. I don’t even remember the cause of this outburst. All I remember is his refusal to sit in Time Out. After a few talk backs and screams, I found myself removing a tall six year old from the situation via the over-the-should carry. Up the stairs we went where Time Out could be spent behind doors. Evil stepmother-to-be!

By the time I became a stepmom we had things straightened out pretty well, and anything that isn’t, I pass the buck to Daddy. Nice stepmother!

Stay-at-home moms? I don’t know any of those. I know lots of drive-around-frantically moms, though. I’m one myself.

I have a lot of friends who go off to work in an office each day, or maybe a few days a week. I admire them. They’re always clean. They get things done. I brag about them as if they were my children: the lawyer, the doctor, the business owner, the physical therapist, the teacher. They’re productive citizens and great moms. They like their jobs and they love their kids.

I, on the other hand, am neither productive nor great. I’m rarely clean. I never get the chance to actually finish anything-I’ve left the house with half my hair combed. And truth be told, lots of times I’m not even close to great as a mom. Let’s just say the kids and I get a little tired of each other sometimes.

I’m not, technically, a working mom since I don’t work for real money. I arrange my life around my kids’ schedule. I’m the one who is not just responsible for every little thing but also expected to make every little thing happen just right. So even though I’m classified a stay-at-home mom, I’m not.

I drive so much, I suspect that I’m single-handedly responsible for the melting of at least one glacier. I’ve had 200-mile days when I’ve never gone above 40 mph. There have been times behind the wheel when I had absolutely no idea where I was supposed to be going. Not lost, mind you, just clueless. Which child am I getting where-and when am I supposed to be there?

I’m not a bad driver. I have no record of accidents or tickets-though I admit to being as much a scofflaw as the next person and a bit of a lead foot. I don’t dislike driving or get nervous on highways or bridges. I’m not meticulous about my car, either, so I don’t worry so much about its condition, like the school of smushy goldfish beneath the seat cushions, or the-is that dog fur or mold? behind the cupholder. In fact, I guess I kind of like my car because, unlike everything else in my life, it can actually handle my particular type of care: benign neglect.

But no matter how much I like driving or my car, I don’t want to drive all the time. I don’t want to get in my car in the morning, in the dirty shorts I wore gardening, and get out in the evening, in the dirty shorts I wore gardening, and have nothing to show for my day but mileage. I didn’t win a case like my lawyer friend, cure an illness, like my doctor friend, or fix a sprain like my physical therapist friend. There’s not going to be any IPO for my driving business, and I know I didn’t teach my kids anything useful (except maybe that special word Mommy used just that one time to the mean man who almost sideswiped her-that could be useful someday).

If I’m going to be classified a stay-at-home mom, with the income of a stay-at-home mom, when am I going to get to stay at home?

Fortunately for me, my parents were both educators and artistic. My father was a drama director, and my mother was a math teacher. Reading was a favorite pastime in our home, and our TV time was limited to PBS and educational programming. We played board games and card games regularly. I spent equal time on the Atari video games as I did with educational electronics of the day such as “Speak & Spell” and “Merlin.” Our board games consisted of “Master Mind” (code-breaking), “Othello” (strategy & planning), and the timeless games of chess and checkers.

Now, as a parent of three young daughters, I strive to provide them with a home environment that encourages problem-solving, literacy and free-thinking. My girls just passed standardized tests with flying colors, being placed in the public school as “gifted” children. Whether or not you subscribe to nature or nurture as the source of our intelligence and personality, there is significant influence from the atmosphere you provide for your child as he/she develops.

The following list of suggestions can prove as learning tools no matter what your budget or your family dynamic:

1. Surround your youngster with books. A child who reads is a child who thinks. It is proven that reading increases skills in spelling, writing, vocabulary and verbal communication. It also opens their minds to new ideas and nurtures the imagination far more than movies or television. Reading to your child also provides a quality time unrivaled by most other activities. A public library card can be a treasured gift for a child to learn to make their own choices for entertainment.
2. Turn off the television. While there are several choices for children’s programming with cable and satellite dishes, the studies are overwhelming to show decreased brain activity when a human being is in front of the “idiot tube.”
3. Play games. A good board game can involve family and friends. They are an inexpensive source of entertainment and learning that encourage strategy, social skills and healthy competition.
4. Go on outings to provide new experiences. Search the internet for one-tank trips to museums, art galleries, community concerts, arts & crafts expositions, nature walks, camping excursions, sporting events and dance recitals. Many free activities for the family can be found in local papers, web sites, and the bulletin boards at the public libraries.
5. Set an example of learning. Do your recreational reading in front of your child. Practice your instrument with him in the room. Practice your fitness routine and invite your daughter to join. Share your experiences when you return from a night at the theatre. Let your child know that all learning experiences are accessible and encouraged.
6. Get involved in your child’s school. Take time to learn what they are learning. Research a paper with them. Enforce a topic from school with a special book, meal, song, discussion or craft. Your excitement about your child’s school work can be contagious.
7. Be the educator over summer break. If your child attends a traditional school year, you have three months to provide alternative learning encounters. This is the time when you can add a personal touch to involve your children in your hobbies and interests, and you can watch them make decisions and pursue what interests them.

As human beings, we naturally grow and learn and develop. But, the love of learning must be acquired. A passion for wanting to know more and wanting to be more is learned from those in our lives who care for us and show us the benefits of stretching our minds, honing our skills, and letting our talents shine.

The United States has the highest teenage pregnancy rate of all the developed countries. Approximately one million teenage girls get pregnant every year!

According to information collected by plannedparenthood.org, some reasons for the lower rates of teenage childbearing in other countries include:

• Mandatory, medically accurate sexuality education programs that provide comprehensive information and encourage teens to make responsible choices.
• Easy access to contraception and other forms of reproductive health care, including abortion.
• Social acceptance of adolescent sexual expression as normal and healthy.
• Straightforward public health media campaigns.
• Government support for the right of teens to accurate information and confidential services (Berne & Huberman, 1999).

The teenage years should be spent preparing for the adult world, when a teen gets pregnant the time to prepare is skipped and they are forced to grow up too quickly. In recent years the teen pregnancy rate has actually declined due to better methods of contraceptives and decreased sexual activity among teens. However the rates still remain high and it is important to raise awareness on this very important issue.

In teen pregnancy there are increased health risks to the baby and mother. The babies of teenage mothers are at risk for low birth-weight; this makes things like bleeding in the brain, underdeveloped organs and respiratory and intestinal problems more likely because the mother is less likely to gain enough weight during the pregnancy. Since many teenage mothers try to hide their pregnancy for as long as possible they are less likely to seek regular prenatal care. According to the American Medical Association, babies born to women who do not have regular prenatal care are 4 times more likely to die before the age of 1 year. Because teenage mothers may be unaware of how to take care of their bodies while pregnant they are more likely to have bad eating habits, smoke, drink, or take drugs during the pregnancy, all of which can cause major health problems for the baby.

Adult mothers, who planned and wanted their pregnancies, find raising children difficult, so imagine a teenager whom is not yet a fully mature adult trying to care for a child! Without proper guidance and support the children of teen parents are less likely to receive the proper nutrition, health care and social stimulation, which can result in an underdeveloped intellect and are at a greater risk for abuse and neglect.

Teen pregnancy does not just affect the mother and child; it places a burden on their families, communities and imposes large costs on taxpayers as well. The majority of teen mothers receive some form of public assistance, such as food stamps or housing assistance. Half of all teenage mothers and more than three-quarters of unmarried teen mothers are on welfare within five years of giving birth and society is burdened with an estimated 7 billion dollars a year to teen pregnancy costs!

There are many ways that you can reach out to the community and help prevent teen pregnancy. Talk to your children about sex and how to protect themselves from teen pregnancy and STD’s if they are going to become sexually active. Teenagers who have strong emotional attachments to their parents are less likely to become sexually active at a younger age. Three of four girls and over half of boys report that girls who have sex do so because their boyfriends want them to. Help them make a plan to get out of these situations before they are in them. It could be that one talk that stops your child from making a decision that could cause your baby to have a baby.