Gifts

Many men and women have difficulty having fulfilling conversations. In essence, men and women really do not know what to say to one another, as revealed by a lovely 30-year-old news reporter that told me she broke up with her boyfriend, whom she had been dating for one year. When I asked her what happened, she answered, “He was just too boring. He was a sports reporter, and all he ever talked about was sports and his Corvette. He never wanted to talk about things which I found interesting. ”

This is an all too common problem.

The differences in what men and women talk about was extremely interesting to Edward. He attended his first baby shower and had the honor of being the only male in a roomful of women. At the shower, Edward learned who was having an affair, who was divorcing, and who was now available. He heard about labor pains, menstrual cramps, and detailed accounts of varied “female-related” surgeries. He even learned that one woman’s pubic hair never grew back after her hysterectomy. He discovered which guys were “great in bed and why,” and how to give yourself a facial that only takes five minutes.

Interesting topic - eh? (I suppose that depends on which gender you belong.

In a recent study by Dr. Adelaide Haas at State University of New York, department of Speech Communication, she found that the most common topics discussed by females were: 1) men 2) food 3) relationship or family problems, and 4) clothing.

Other topics that women talked about were news events and work-related Issues.

Women like to discuss feelings as well as more socially oriented issues.

On the other hand, Dr. Haas found that men talked more about 1) women 2) news events 3) sports 4) arts, and 5) sex.

In order to have a meaningful conversation with the opposite sex, one must become aware of this difference in likes and dislikes. It is essential for women to be more willing to talk about activities and related issues, as men do. If you don’t know anything about these topics, learn about them. Just watch the news and listen to sports.

On the other hand, if men want to have better conversations with women, they need to pay more attention to interpersonal relationships, other people, situations, and self-improvement. If both sexes equally make this effort of learning what the other sex wants to talk about, we can certainly help bridge the conversational gap between men and women.

The strength of the child depends largely on the food given them when they are too young to select for themselves — Mabel Hyde Kittredge, 1917

The feeding of small children has been controversial for decades and the controversy goes on. Should a child “clean his plate;” or just go as far as he wants? Should he be fed a hamburger supper early so his parents can dine in peace later on or is the ritual of everyone eating together important?

Many nutritionists now believe that small meals eaten more than three times a day give the body greater energy. Children seem to know this instinctively needing their midmorning snack and afternoon “teatime.” I respect their instinct. However I do think at least one relaxed meal each day with everybody in the family is a reassuring pattern for children. During family meals children need not be catered to individually. They can be taught to try the adult menu.

Snacks and drinks between meals are a particular problem for mothers: what to give a child that will be nutritious but won’t spoil his appetite for lunch or dinner. Daily and hourly we have to fend against Kool-Aid and Toaster Pop Tarts - cheap instant foods especially invented to entice children. The makers of white bread advertise constantly) but there is no cartoon animal on television to lure our children to dark breads or sesame crackers.

Aside from the nutritional aspect constantly depending on prepackaged and frozen foods robs a child of a learning experience. Stirring canned green beans is not very interesting. But if a mother is snapping real beans she can show the child the stalks end how to break off the tips and snap in the middle. The helper may decide to become a bean thief popping uncooked pieces into his mouth when she isn’t looking. He offers one to the cat or builds a log house of beans. He laughs and learns. Even though he is slowing down the process his mother laughs with him.

Food-fixing is not an invented playtime. It is real. You will have gotten something ready for dinner and had a happy sharing time with the child. Constantly cooking with a child would be exhausting but the sharing times are irreplaceable.

I am not a health-food addict but I do believe in starting with the raw product as often as possible. It helps a mother expand her art of cooking and it helps a child develop his palate. The sooner a child is given homemade oatmeal cookies and a glass of eggnog the easier it is to keep him away from supermarket garbage. The system at home started early and held to consistently is what really matters.

There are times when small children are just cranky and tired and want to know that their mothers have ways to comfort them. Any mother knows that when a child’s complaint is persistent she should go ahead and get professional help.

But the main focus here is food and is meant to encourage mothers to make custard instead of buying chocolate pudding in a plastic container. After the first few times making custard becomes a habit and habit is half the fight. Eating can be a healthful, peaceful and special time though for many children and parents it means battling. I hope the suggestions here will reinforce women’s attempts to slow down the household mealtime pace and will help them enjoy nourishing a family.

But, again, the choice to remain childless sometimes comes unstuck with a late and unexpected pregnancy. Then the woman has to make an often painful choice-to have a baby or an abortion. “I was 40. We’d been married three years and agreed that children weren’t in the cards. It was a big shock when I got pregnant. My husband said, ‘Well, why don’t you just have the baby? It might be nice to have one.’ I said, ‘That’s easy for you to say! You don’t have to go through pregnancy and birth and everything. If you change your mind, you can walk away.’ Still, it didn’t seem right to have an abortion. I kept thinking this could be the only chance I’d ever have to have a baby. What if I had an abortion and then changed my mind? I’d never be able to live with myself if I thought I’d thrown away my one chance.”

“Getting pregnant made me realize how ambivalent my feelings were about this whole motherhood thing,” recalls Gail, who had her first and only baby at 4I. “I’d been perfectly happy not to have a child. When I thought I might be pregnant I felt awful-worried and confused. But then, when I got the pregnancy-test result, I was ecstatic! I don’t think I’d ever felt that happy. I was so excited and I felt-I know it sounds awful-I felt so womanly, somehow.”

For the woman who is much older, pregnancy can seem too remote to be something to count on. “When I remarried in my early 40s, I thought we wouldn’t have a child,” says Ann, who had three children from her former marriage, then almost grown up. “I did think it would be too bad if John, who was I2 years younger than I, couldn’t have a child because of my age. I had a miscarriage when I was 44. That was sad, a disappointment, because I thought it would be my last chance, but it wasn’t a great trauma for me.

“I went back to teaching. I didn’t take any precautions and I didn’t conceive. Then, two years later, my period was late and I felt terrible. When the pregnancy test came back positive I was thrilled, but I’d had two miscarriages and I didn’t want to get too excited.” A healthy son was born when she was 47.

Heather, who remarried in her mid-thirties, also had miscarriages. “I thought it was too late and I probably wouldn’t be able to have a baby. I thought it was too much trouble anyway and I wasn’t sure I wanted to try again. The doctors said to wait before I tried again, so I asked Stephen to use a condom. He was careless about it and I conceived, so Margaret is an accident after three miscarriages!”

The much-older mother may not even be aware she has conceived. Marilyn was 43 with two grown-up sons when her periods became somewhat irregular. “I put down the lack of periods to my age, and since I’d always gained weight easily, I didn’t really notice what was happening. When I finally went to the doctor and had a pregnancy test I discovered that I was already 20 weeks pregnant. It was really too late to have an abortion.”

Accidental pregnancies later in life can cause women-and their partners-to do a lot of soul-searching. “I was 45 when I discovered I was pregnant. I’d become a little careless about contraception. I just didn’t think I was fertile any more. At first I thought I’d terminate the pregnancy, and that’s what I told my doctor. But then one night I just said to my husband, ‘What if I did have the baby?’ We talked about it and decided to go ahead. We loved one another, we could cope with a baby, and I still feel deep down that ending a pregnancy would be wrong. At the same time, I could have had an abortion, and I have a lot of sympathy for any woman who finds herself having to make that difficult choice. If Len had said no, it would have been very different. There’s no way I would have had the baby without his support.”

Second time around

Another reason for the increase in births to older mothers is the increasing incidence of divorce and remarriage. Many women who have completed their first family split up, then remarry or live with a new partner. They want to have a child to seal the relationship. This can be especially important when the new partner has not had children before.

“When I married Clay I had two teenage children and he had a daughter, age four, from his previous marriage. We both very much wanted to have another baby although I was nearly 40. It seemed to us that having

another baby would bring the whole family together. It also seemed like a good idea to provide a brother or sister for Laura, who wanted one very much.”

Victoria was 47 when she gave birth to her fourth child; her other three children from her first marriage were in their early twenties. “Sam was I4 years younger than I. We’d discussed children and decided it was fine not to have them. But I didn’t like to think it would be my age that kept Sam from being a father. He was good with children-everyone’s wonderful uncle and godfather. Lucky for us, it was the right thing to do. It’s been wonderful for him to have a child.”